


Mutual Pride

by Lily_and_Lavender



Category: Pride and Prejudice & Related Fandoms, Pride and Prejudice (1995), Pride and Prejudice (2005), Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_and_Lavender/pseuds/Lily_and_Lavender
Summary: My interpretation on the story will start at Kent, just before the canon proposal and will go until after they are married. I hope to strike a balance between serious, sweet and sexy. This is a reposting of Mutual Pride from another platform, it is completed there but I am reposting here as I edit it. As the work is completed and just needs editing I will be posting often.
Relationships: Elizabeth Bennet/Fitzwilliam Darcy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, welcome to my story. This is of course, fanfiction. I have no rights to any of Jane Austen's work. But any new work is mine. Let me know what you think!

Mutual Pride  
Written by Lilydream 

Chapter 1

“Her favorite walk, and where she frequently went while the others were calling on Lady Catherine, was along the open grove which edged the side of the park where there was a nice sheltered path, which no one seemed to value but herself and where she felt beyond the reach of Lady Catherine’s curiosity.” (Jane Austen pt. 2 ch. 7)  
“More than once did Elizabeth, in her ramble within the park, unexpectedly meet Mr. Darcy. She felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought, and, to prevent it ever happening again, took care to inform him at first that it was a favorite haunt of hers. How it could occur a second time, therefore, was very odd! Yet it did and even a third …” (Jane Austen pt. 2 ch. 10)  
Fitzwilliam Darcy’s heartbeat faster as he caught sight of Miss Bennet walking in the grove ahead of him. In his mind he congratulated himself on being correct that she would continue to meet him here. She obviously felt the same as he.  
With a greeting, Darcy, his presence known and then quickened his pace to join her. He was eager to spend time with her, for she was everything pleasant and lively. Miss Elizabeth’s charming manners were just what he needed to counteract the frustrations of visiting his aunt.  
His mother’s sister, Lady Catherine De Bourgh, seemed to be living under the assumption that he come to Kent every Easter for her advice, rather than to check up on her. She was an intelligent woman but had not been raised to run an estate as male heir would have been. Darcy’s father used to come out every year to go over her books and see that the steward was not taking advantage. So Darcy’s continued visits were just one of the many responsibilities that he had inherited from his father. If only Lady Catherine would realize this, he thought, maybe she would stop offering quite so much advice! But he had to admit to himself that even then, it would be unlikely for his aunt to hold herself back. After all, she did not scruple to offer constant advice to Miss Bennet, a person wholly unconnected with her and without particular interest in her guidance.  
Only then did he realize he had been walking next to Miss Bennet for some minutes without saying anything after greeting her. Slightly embarrassed to have been so silent Darcy said the first thing that came into his head.  
“How have you been enjoying Hunsford society, Miss Bennet?” Though the question felt a little abrupt he thought it was a good topic, for her eyes always seemed to light up when talking of people and their little eccentricities. He had noticed often how much she seemed to enjoy people in general. How he admired that trait. How he envied it!  
“I am afraid, Mr. Darcy, that I cannot speak much on this subject as I am at the disposal of Charlotte and my cousin, whom are not very much in society,” Miss Bennet answered, but then her eyes did sparkle, and her mischievous smile flashed as she added, “But what society I have been exposed to has been very generous and attentive.”  
Darcy stifled his laugh. How he loved her humor. Of course, her comment was a tease about his aunt’s uninvited assistance in all matters.  
How much longer could he hold out against her charms? For a moment he couldn’t tear his eyes off her beautiful face. Alight with amusement, sunshine in her hair, and strength and confidence in her every step. There was something very energetic and playful in her manner that always entranced Darcy. That she was also every inch the polite and genteel lady she ought to be, made her perfection in his eyes.  
Yes, his ardent admiration for Miss Elizabeth Bennet was quickly winning the war against his more pragmatic side. It was one thing to ignore the desires of his heart when he had been in her home town of Hertfordshire. For in that place every exposure to her lovely liveliness was accompanied by every reminder of her unsuitability, namely, her family.  
Her father was a gentleman and well respected in the area as an estate owner and leader in the community but was far too amused by the foibles of his neighbors and family to intervene when he should. Elizabeth’s mother was terror. Darcy inwardly shuddered just thinking of her. She was the daughter of a tradesman and the low breeding showed! She laughed loudly often and without restraint, actually shrieking at times. She spoke of money in public, both hers and anyone else’s. Mrs. Bennet also overindulged in drinking at parties and the shameless matching-making of her daughters for financial incentive. Adding to Elizabeth’s poor connections were her three very silly, younger sisters. Each one in their own way were self-involved little horrors. Also, she had uncles that were in trade! Though the name Bennet was itself an old and respectable name, Darcy could not think to connect himself with it in its current state.  
With these considerations in mind, he had torn himself away from her, and his friend from her sister, four months ago, thinking that he would never see her again. But then Elizabeth had been here in Kent when he had arrived! And if anything, she had grown more beautiful, and more delightful then she had been four months ago when he had left her. Every night he was tortured with her image in his dreams and during the day he could hardly resist running to her and proclaiming his love.  
Another glance at her face and he saw she was looking at him with an odd expression. Though he wasn’t sure what the expression signified, it reminded him that he had again lapsed into silence. “And how do you find your friend Mrs. Collins? And your cousin? Do you think that they are happy to be here at Hunsford?”  
He hoped the Collins did like Hunsford, because if he did break down and marry Elizabeth then she would have a pleasant friend in the area. For a moment he was caught up in a daydream where they were married, and she would accompany him here for his yearly visit. She would be someone he could confide in as well as a welcome break from the personalities housed here. Yes, she would make the time spent at Rosings very pleasant indeed.  
“My cousin could not be more pleased, Sir, he is tremendously grateful for your aunt’s condescension. Charlotte, I mean Mrs. Collins is, I think, quite satisfied. She enjoys her relative freedom and the ability to run her own home.”  
Darcy nodded. He genuinely liked Mrs. Collins, as he saw in her a bit of a kindred spirit. She was a quiet, serious person with a very practical attitude. Darcy disparaged his own thought. He, practical? Though he had always considered himself thus, his recent obsession with Miss Bennet seemed to argue against it.  
“Colonel Fitzwilliam tells me your visit is almost at an end. How did you enjoy your time with your aunt and cousin?” then Miss Elizabeth laughed, “But here, what could I be speaking of? You could not have but enjoyed yourself! As we all know what prestigious care Lady Catherine takes of her favorite guests.”  
“My time has been well spent. Her estate is in good order. As for being a guest of my aunt, few people could complain. Every comfort is looked after, and the rooms are very fine.” Darcy did not want her understanding how much he disliked coming here. After all, he might someday try to convince her to accompany him.  
“Oh, yes, I am sure. Not the smallest of discomforts would be overlooked,” Elizabeth said solemnly but with a sparkle in her mischievous eyes. Lord, how he loved those beautiful eyes!  
“It is true. Every room has its own copper tub, luxurious furniture, fresh linens every morning, and the staff is very well trained. No guest, not even you, could want for anything while staying with my aunt,” Darcy insisted. But then he was suddenly worried that he was being too transparent. She would know why he wanted to convince her of his aunt’s hostess skills if he wasn’t careful. He did not want to get her hopes up when he hadn’t quite made up his mind yet.  
But then… were not his actions already too transparent? How else could she interpret him finding her so often on her walks? Why this must have been the third time they had met here and talked together while strolling.  
“Of course, sir, I meant no offence. Your lady aunt is everything generous.” said Elizabeth in a somewhat subdued voice.  
Darcy didn’t know what to say. If he let her know her teases were justified, that indeed his aunt did fuss and try to control every aspect of his stay with her, then it would be admitting to being miserable. But if he continued to defend his aunt then he would probably slip and say something of their future married life. Better to say nothing further.  
“No offence taken, Miss Bennet,” Darcy said just to relieve her mind and then lapsed into silence. He so loved that she didn’t feel the need to fill every minute with conversation as some women did. He did enjoy their comfortable silences. Soon, they had circled the park and she took her leave of him. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“…How it could occur a second time, therefore, was very odd! Yet it did and even a third. It seemed like wilful ill-nature, or a voluntary penance, for on these occasions it was not merely a few formal inquiries and an awkward pause and then away, but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her. He never said a great deal, nor did she give herself the trouble of talking or of listening much; but it struck her in the course of their third rencontre that he was asking some odd unconnected questions—about her pleasure in being at Hunsford, her love of solitary walks, and her opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Collins's happiness; and that in speaking of Rosings and her not perfectly understanding the house, he seemed to expect that whenever she came into Kent again she would be staying there too. His words seemed to imply it. Could he have Colonel Fitzwilliam in his thoughts? She supposed, if he meant anything, he must mean an allusion to what might arise in that quarter.” (Jane Austen pt. 2 Ch. 10)  
It was distressing to Elizabeth to think that Mr. Darcy might have her and his cousin on his mind. There was absolutely nothing between her and Colonel Fitzwilliam except for a very open, easy friendship. Other than Wickham there was no other young man in her acquaintance that she could be such friends with. Though she would not necessarily dislike it if Colonel Fitzwilliam changed the friendship; he had never indicated that he thought of her that way. Oh, he was a good match for her to be sure! The son of an earl! He even wore a red coat -her mother would be in raptures-. But Elizabeth had not seen any evidence of interest, and so their friendship stood unchallenged.  
Yet for all that, what other explanation could there be for Mr. Darcy’s continuous, awkward encounters with her? Elizabeth walked back to the parsonage slowly after she had taken her leave of Mr. Darcy. He was such a strange, unpleasant man. What an absurdity of character for him to walk with her when he did not like her! She soon reached her destination and put the gentlemen’s eccentric behavior from her mind entirely.   
It was not many days later, that the Colonel himself confirmed her thoughts on their friendship. He met her on one of her walks and they chatted about his upcoming departure. She teased him about his demanding cousin and how much said cousin liked to have his way. It was following these comments that he mentioned that he would have to marry an heiress, for second sons of earls have no money and many needs.  
Elizabeth was not sorry. She never expected anything from him and so went back to teasing him after only a momentary pause. It was soon after, in commenting on something else, that Mr. Bingley’s name came up and Fitzwilliam mentioned what great friends Mr. Darcy and that man were.  
"Oh! yes," said Elizabeth drily; "Mr. Darcy is uncommonly kind to Mr. Bingley, and takes a prodigious deal of care of him."   
"Care of him! Yes, I really believe Darcy does take care of him in those points where he most wants care. From something that he told me in our journey hither, I have reason to think Bingley very much indebted to him. But I ought to beg his pardon, for I have no right to suppose that Bingley was the person meant. It was all conjecture."  
"What is it you mean?"   
"It is a circumstance which Darcy could not wish to be generally known, because if it were to get round to the lady's family, it would be an unpleasant thing."  
"You may depend upon my not mentioning it."  
"And remember that I have not much reason for supposing it to be Bingley. What he told me was merely this: that he congratulated himself on having lately saved a friend from the inconveniences of a most imprudent marriage, but without mentioning names or any other particulars, and I only suspected it to be Bingley from believing him the kind of young man to get into a scrape of that sort, and from knowing them to have been together the whole of last summer."   
"Did Mr. Darcy give you reasons for this interference?"   
"I understood that there were some very strong objections against the lady. *

Objections to the lady? Elizabeth couldn’t believe it. For obviously the Colonel was unwittingly speaking of Jane, her sister! And nothing could be said against sweet Jane. Jane was everything beautiful, kind and good! But Mr. Darcy had done what he could to ruin the hopes of her sister, and his friend? She pressed Colonel Fitzwilliam for more information, but he insisted that that was all he knew.   
Elizabeth’s head swam with anger and her heart with pain for her sister. Though quiet and undemonstrative, Jane had really loved Bingley and had been in pain ever since he had left. Her strong emotions soon forced her to change the subject. As soon as they reached the parsonage she retired to her own room to think of all she had heard.   
The rest of the morning Elizabeth spent rereading her sister’s letters to her. Though Jane never actually complained of missing Bingley, her melancholy was easy to see in the bleak descriptions of her life. Indeed, in the past Elizabeth had often found herself fighting the urge to roll her eyes at Jane’s letters as they usually contained nothing but praises for everyone and everything around her.   
Jane was one of those few people who were just naturally happy. It wasn’t that she was weak-willed like many thought as they viewed her easy manner, but rather that she was simply inclined to be happy. That wasn’t to say Jane was never unhappy, Elizabeth knew. She could become angry if provoked enough.  
Elizabeth had to smile as she remembered some of the times that Jane had lost her nearly unending patience. But even that formidable rise in temper would be preferable to this present melancholy. For Elizabeth’s heart ached with sympathy for her sister as her letters clearly showed the depressed state of her sister’s mind.  
Oh, how I hate him! Despicable man! Elizabeth thought. If he had objections, they had to be mercenary in nature. They could not be of Jane herself, as she was perfection personified. No, he must be looking down on the Bennets as a family. Elizabeth knew that though perfectly comfortable, their income was not large, and her mother was from trade. But it was the worst kind of pride, Elizabeth decided, to value connections and money over people, but what other reasons could he have?   
Her frustration and anger soon turned into tears and by afternoon she developed an abominable headache. It was while in this mood that she found out that they were invited to have tea at Rosings that afternoon. The last thing she wanted was to see him. Elizabeth tried to use her headache as a means of escape.   
“I could not be good company,” she insisted.  
“I understand, and surely Lady Catherine will as well,” Charlotte soothed. But her sensible comment was immediately brushed aside by her husband.   
“You would answer Lady Catherine de Bourgh’s generosity with a denial? No, of course, you cannot be serious in your rejection. I see what this is, and your humbleness is to be commended but do not make yourself uneasy, Lady Catherine did include you in her invitation and thus must find some of your behaviors to be amusing. Though I would caution you against too much your usual impertinence as it could be seen as disrespect.”   
Her cousin looked very pleased by his ‘insight’ and continued getting ready to go out. Elizabeth was forcibly reminded of his preposterous proposal to herself. The Bennet estate, Longbourn, was entailed to male heirs and her mother had birthed only daughters, making Mr. Collins the eventual heir. He decided to marry Elizabeth to make ‘amends’ for that fact. A reasonable thought (one of his few!) but completely overshadowed by the ridiculousness of the man himself. The proposal itself was done with such silliness and self-importance that Elizabeth had been spared any guilt at having to reject such a man. Yet he had not believed her! After refusing him quite soundly three times she had had to leave the room as he was still assuring her that she was actually agreeing with him!  
“I assure you Cousin, I know no such modesty and truthfully I feel quite unwell. I could not possibly give Lady Catherine the attention she deserves.” Elizabeth reasoned, trying to invoke the man’s almost religious awe of his patroness.   
“Certainly, you can! You need only sit and listen quietly. I’m sure her graciousness would allow you to be a bit quieter than usual. It would in fact, probably raise you in her eyes, as you often speak of your opinions too strongly! No. this will not do; you can not disappoint her ladyship!” Mr. Collins started to sweat just at the idea of upsetting his revered patron.  
“My husband, surely with Miss de Bourgh’s somewhat weak health, Lady Catherine has much experience with the delicate state that is a woman’s health. She will understand.”  
But Mr. Collins would not hear of it and Elizabeth, not wanting to cause a fight between her friend and husband, reluctantly agreed to go.   
However, as they walked to Rosings, Elizabeth found her mood rapidly changing. The exercise and fresh air did much for her headache and her anger came back full force. That man! How could he? To Jane of all people! Elizabeth soon found that rather than wanting to avoid Mr. Darcy she needed to see him. Wanted him to know that she knew about his sins and hated him for it. He wouldn’t care what her feelings were, she knew, but he would know nonetheless.  
For a second, she lost conviction and slowed her steps. Never had any man shown less of an interest in her feelings then Mr. Darcy. He seemed to enjoy making her uncomfortable and had openly declared he found her ‘not handsome enough to tempt him’. But that he should do such a thing and bear no consequences was a thought she could not bear. No, he would know that his sins had been found out. If nothing else, the awkwardness of the scene might punish him. She marched on.   
Her head was so preoccupied with variations of the conversation she was determined to have that she was surprised to look up and see that they had arrived.   
Their arrival was met with very little fanfare as usual. Lady Catharine was speaking to her nephews and seemed almost annoyed to be interrupted. Her daughter and her companion, Mrs. Jenkinson, as usual, had little to say. Mr. Darcy bowed but said nothing. In fact, the only one who seemed genuinely happy to see them was Colonel Fitzwilliam. He quickly walked over to their group with a smile and a bow. And after a polite greeting to each of their group turned to address Elizabeth.  
“Miss Bennet, I am pleased to see you. By the end of our walk together you did not seem quite yourself and I was worried you might not be feeling your best.”  
“I am sorry, Colonel Fitzwilliam, that I was such poor company this morning. I will endeavor to be much more amusing this evening.” Elizabeth teased.  
Her anger hidden carefully a way she started a pleasant conversation with Colonel Fitzwilliam. Sitting together on the settee, slightly away from the others they spoke of books they had both read. Elizabeth had only recently read The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole, it was an older novel but new to her father’s library that she had quite enjoyed.  
“it was very dramatic! There was abundant romance, terror, and pathos; I especially liked it when Bianca…” Elizabeth’s voice trailed off for a second when Mr. Darcy suddenly appeared next to Fitzwilliam. She was not surprised, she had expected him to come over at some point. He usually did, for despite his disinterest in her. She supposed that it was because no reasonable person could withstand the conversations between Lady Catherine and Mr. Collins for long. It usually took him longer to get bored enough to come over. Still, it is time. She thought with determination and a return of her anger.  
“Mr. Darcy, good evening. We were just talking of novels and their drama. Do you read much fiction?”   
“I find I have little time for them. And little enjoyment of the more romantic ones.” He answered gravely. “But I have read a few. Which one were you speaking of?”  
“Little enjoyment of drama and romance? I can scarce credit that!” she said with a forced smile. “After all, I have it on good authority that you take an active part in it yourself!”  
At this Fitzwilliam looked alarmed. He shook his head slightly, requesting her not reveal their earlier conversation. But her anger was stronger than her tact and she cared little of the scene she knew she would cause.  
“I have not the pleasure of understanding you.” Darcy said, looking truly confused.  
“Why Colonel Fitzwilliam, your cousin would have us know nothing of his kindness.” This she said somewhat sarcastically but still maintaining a conversational tone.   
“Miss Bennet-” Colonel Fitzwilliam started but Elizabeth pushed on.  
“Come, Mr. Darcy, your cousin was just telling me this morning of a time you did not hate drama so much. Was there not a romance between a friend of yours and a lady that you were involved in? Surely that is an exciting tale.”  
The surprise that flicked across Darcy’s face was followed quickly by a telltale reddening of his ears. But rather than looking ashamed and fleeing in defeat as she had pictured on her way over, Darcy responded calmly.   
“There was no great drama, Miss Bennet. I will freely admit I did what I could to separate my friend from you sister. But it was calmly and easily done. Very little pathos I can imagine could be attributed to the affair.”  
The Colonel looked shocked and extremely embarrassed not only by the realization that Elizabeth’s sister was the woman involved but by Darcy’s dismissive manner in responding.   
"It is for you to decide how much sadness was felt by other people?” Elizabeth said quietly but through clenched teeth. She could feel herself losing her composure but was too caught up in her feelings to care. She continued in a low but tense tone. “Surely, no motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted there. Your actions have exposed one to the censure of the world for instability of character, and the other to mockery for her disappointed hopes. But most of all your interference has unjustly caused my sister, my dear, sweet Jane great heartache."   
She paused and saw with no slight indignation that he seemed unmoved by her statement. Indeed, rather than apologetic he seemed more offended.   
“Your sister will, I’m sure, recover quite well when your mother sets her up with next rich man she finds. For it was obvious to any observer that it was your mother who cherished the match the most.”  
Elizabeth colored at this reference to her mother’s ambitions, but the incredible rudeness of his words gave her the strength to retaliate. “And you know the innermost feelings of my sister better than I? You, who never spoke to her -unless you could help it- judged her feelings to be inadequate? No, you wanted to see little affection because it supported your desires best. For you being such a good friend as you are to Bingley thought our family too far below his. But in this you would be wrong, Jane is a gentleman's daughter, can Bingley say the same?”  
“I will allow that you have a greater understanding of your sister. and if I have caused her pain, I am very sorry for it. However, if I have indeed inflicted pain such on her as you suggest, I shall not scruple to assert, that the serenity of your sister's countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not yet touched. Maybe I was desirous of believing her indifferent, but I will venture to say that my investigation and decisions are not usually influenced by my emotions. I believed her indifferent upon an impartial conviction. My objections to the marriage were not as you accuse me; the want of ‘fashionable’ connection would not be a great evil to Bingley, you are right. But there were many other causes for my objection; your mother's ties to trade was nothing in comparison to that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly, betrayed by herself, by your three younger sisters, and even occasionally by your father.”   
Elizabeth was shocked. The combination of painful truth and incredible discourtesy of Darcy’s speech rendered her quite mute. Before she could gather herself, she heard him continue.   
“Let it give you consolation to consider that, to have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any share of censure, is praise upon you and your elder sister. No one could find fault in the behavior of either of you. Indeed, the manners of both of you were such as to make the decision on my part quite difficult.”  
Ignoring the offhand complement Elizabeth returned. “And it falls to you does it, to decide for Mr. Bingley? To judge the characters of others wholly unconnected with you? Your perspective-”  
“What is this?” Cried Lady Catherine. Apparently having just noticed the scene on the other side of her parlor. “What are you speaking of?”  
The whole room turned to stare at Elizabeth, and she was suddenly overwhelmed by mortification. To her great embarrassment, tears pricked at her eyes. But she stood calmly as and curtsied to Lady Catherine. “I apologize, but I am really not feeling well. I thought I could find the strength to attend you, but it appears I was wrong. Please allow me to leave, so that I might not disturb the party anymore.”  
With these words Elizabeth turned and walked from the room. She knew she would get no help home but didn’t mind the walk. She could not fathom one more minute in the same room as Mr. Darcy. Abominable man! She would gladly walk all night if it got her away from him.  
However, this thought was almost immediately interrupted by Mr. Darcy catching up to her and calling out her name. She rounded on him and saw Colonel Fitzwilliam coming out of the house as well.   
“Miss Bennet, I- I would not- I cannot have us part this way!” Mr. Darcy exclaimed in frustrated tones.   
This was such a confusing assertion that Elizabeth thought she had misheard him!  
“Mr. Darcy you can have nothing more to say to me! You have made you feelings for myself and my family in every way clear and understood.” She shook her head and resumed her march. “I can only imagine how much Bingley would appreciate your interference if he knew the truth! That my sister loved him, and he abandoned her for the sake of your pride!”  
Her words seemed to cause his steps to stutter but he quickly matched her pace, “"I never meant to hurt him or your admirable sister. Truly, I have a great respect both your sister and you!”  
“You! You, who could not be troubled to be polite to me or anyone in my acquaintance now claim to respect and admire us! You belittle and judge us from your lofty place of ‘perfect morality’ but then claim to have everyone’s best interests at heart!”  
“I made some observations based in fact. You cannot pretend that what I said is untrue.”  
“Perhaps they are true, but they are also cruel and cold. Made without the desire to understand but rather to belittle for the sake of your own pride!”  
"And this," exclaimed Darcy catching her elbow and halting her steps, "this how you see me? You have made me the enemy of your family and yourself!”  
But perhaps," added he, coming closer towards her, "you would have seen the logic of my perspective, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the scruples I had against your family.”  
Elizabeth huffed a laugh, “You are incorrect sir, if you imagine that my opinion of you was in anyway changed by today's conversation. Had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner I could only have been surprised. But no, from the very beginning—from the first moment, I may almost say—of my acquaintance with you, your manners have impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others!”  
To Elizabeth’s great satisfaction, she saw that he was astonished; and he looked at her with an expression of such mortification and hurt that she was astounded. She stood, chest heaving with exertion and emotion while Mr. Darcy seemed likewise overwhelmed. The obvious distress in his expression caused her great confusion. Why would he care what she said when he did not care for her at all?  
As she watched and wondered, his expression of pain changed to…longing? Elizabeth was so confused she felt almost dizzy and forgot the next heated words she had intended to say.  
Then Colonel Fitzwilliam caught up to them and Elizabeth could feel his confused gaze on them both. His presence seemed to break the still moment between them and Mr. Darcy said stiffly. “If I have caused you and your sister pain I apologize; it was most unintentionally done.”  
And with a quick bow, he left.   
Elizabeth stared after him, feeling triumph mixed with guilty confusion. She had hoped to put him in his place and felt she had done it well but could not shrug off a lifetime's training in gentle manners. The scene she had caused, the angry words she’d flung at him, and the hurt in his expression all came back to her in a wave of discomfort.   
One glance at Fitzwilliam had her feeling many times worse. His expression was a mixture of shock and pain. He refused to meet her eyes but murmured, “I would see you home safely, Miss Bennet.”  
“T-thank you,” was all she could manage and it was a silent pair who made their way back to the parsonage.   
The argument kept going around and around in Elizabeth’s mind. Every word, every look was gone back over. Her anger fought against it but some of his words came back to her sounding very reasonable. How could she deny the credit of his assertions? He declared himself to be totally unsuspicious of her sister's attachment; and she could not help remembering what Charlotte's opinion had agreed with him at the time. So she could not deny justice of his description of Jane. Elizabeth knew that Jane's feelings, though fervent, were little displayed, and that there was a constant complacency in her air and manner not often united with great feeling.  
Mr. Darcy’s separate compliments to herself and her sister could be little felt. It soothed, but it could not console her for the contempt he had for the rest of her family. And as she considered that Jane's disappointment had in fact been the work of her nearest relations and reflected how materially the credit of both she and Jane must be hurt by such impropriety of conduct, she felt depressed beyond anything she had ever known before.  
They had almost reached the parsonage before Colonel Fitzwilliam finally spoke.  
“Are you well? Can I do anything more for your comfort?”  
“Oh, Colonel Fitzwilliam, I’m so sorry.”  
“For what?” he said with a twisted little smile. “I can’t believe the mess I made of things! I should not have told you of a private conversation between myself and my cousin. I couldn’t have known it was your sister involved but I shouldn’t have said anything. Your reaction is reasonable from your perspective.”  
“Reasonable you call it! You are too generous!” Elizabeth cried, tearing up again at his kindness. “I have done exactly what you accused yourself of! I revealed our private conversation as well, and then I betrayed your trust and embarrassed you in front of your family. And you… you have done nothing wrong. You have always been a good friend to me.”  
“Maybe so, but I cannot help but feel this was my fault.”  
“Your fault? That I… that I was so rude? That my family was such as to drive off a respectable suitor?”  
“They cannot be as bad as Darcy makes them to be, surely?”  
His kind words caused Elizabeth’s tears to start to fall. “I am afraid that though he was abominably rude, he- there was some truth to his statements.” She said this last bit in a whisper. “I have been so blind! I have always known my family was silly but thought them harmless enough. Aren’t most people a little silly in some way?”  
“I would say so, since, as you can see, my family is not above reproach,” the Colonel said, in a consolatory tone.   
Elizabeth appreciated his words, but she knew her situation was different. Though high handed, Lady Catherine was a lady and an intelligent one at that. Maybe Darcy was rude and selfish, but he was an education and respectable man nonetheless. The Bennets? Elizabeth shuddered now to remember some of their public behavior. Her mother’s loud exclamations of other people’s money, her constant references to Jane’s beauty and her love of gossip now bought new tears of shame to Elizabeth’s eyes. This was to say nothing of her younger sisters! Why had her father never put a stop to it?  
Encouraged by Colonel Fitzwilliam’s sympathetic words, Elizabeth found herself confiding in him. “My family is loving but can often be inappropriate. Much of what your cousin said is true. However, I always thought that if Jane and I behaved with propriety it wouldn’t matter how the rest of the family conducted themselves. Now I understand how foolish that hope was, for there is no one who is judged separately from their family and connections.”   
“It’s unfortunate but you are correct- for the most part. But not everyone will judge it as Darcy does. I very much enjoy your company and will continue to do so, no matter how many embarrassing relatives you have.”  
“You are too kind. If only everyone had your generous attitude! But if Jane, who is more beautiful and more kind than I am by far, could not induce even a man as amiable as Mr. Bingley, then there can be no hope for any in my family.” After a slight pause she continued. “I’ve always known that Mr. Darcy disliked me. The first time I met him he said of me ‘she is not handsome enough to tempt me’. And he always stares at me, like I am such an oddity that he cannot avert his eyes. (And I of course, have no great love for him!) But to know that he dislikes me and my family so much! Will he speak to others of his poor opinion, you think? I know he has many connections.”  
“No! I am sure he will not! I was surprised at his words actually; he has only ever praised you in my presence.”  
“I cannot imagine that!” Elisabeth shrugged. “Perhaps Mama was right, and I should have accepted my cousin.”  
“Your cousin? No, you can not mean... surely you cannot mean that Mr. Collins offered for you?”  
Elizabeth couldn’t help a small smile at his horrified tone. “Indeed, for Mr. Collins will inherit my father’s estate after his death. Both he and my mother thought it a fine thing to mend this injustice by his marriage to me.”  
“But he is so- so…” Colonel Fitzwilliam couldn’t seem to find the words, or maybe was simply too polite to speak them out loud.  
Elizabeth gave a twisted smile. “I thought so too. But now… well now it seems foolish to turn down a safe future and secure home because I had hoped to marry for love. Or at least with respect and a measure of compatibility but now I fear I was overly optimistic.”  
As she said these words Elizabeth suddenly realized that it was not a proper conversation to be having with a bachelor. Though they had made it clear to each other that they were only friends, he might mistake her meaning if she continued on such a discussion.  
“Forgive me,” she said, before he could respond. “I- I am somewhat distraught. Please do not take too deep a meaning from my words. Look, here is the parsonage! Please, I should go in. Thank you so much for your escort and your kind words. You are a true friend and gentlemen.”  
At this Colonel Fitzwilliam looked abashed but responded quickly, “Truly, there is no need, I only hope that I was some comfort. I am sorry for my cousin’s rudeness.” He paused and looked like he would say more on the subject but then only bowed and made a polite farewell.  
It was an embarrassed, tired and confused Elizabeth Bennet who entered the parsonage that night. She immediately sought her bed but found her sleep to be fitful, as her turbulent emotions would not let her mind rest. It was a long and miserable night.

* Jane Austen pt. 2 Ch. 10


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

“You are incorrect sir, if you imagine that my opinion of you was in anyway changed by today’s conversation. Had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner I would only have been surprised.”  
Fitzwilliam Darcy’s mind swam with her words. Over and over they repeated in his head. How could she speak in such extreme language? He knew that she had been angry but even still this was too much! Darcy paced an agitated line back and forth before the library’s fireplace. She had only ever teased and smiled at him. The reversal of her behavior was so extreme that he could not comprehend it had been his Elizabeth speaking those words to him!  
That she was so passionate was one of the things he loved about her. But to have such a hateful temper was not something he would have imagined about her personality.   
Is this flaw severe enough that I must reconsider her as my wife? He thought worriedly, but the idea struck such a deep cord of sadness in him that he stopped pacing and sank into an armchair. He was amazed at the depth of emotion he felt simply at the idea of walking away from Elizabeth. She was everything bright and beautiful, to never see her again would cast his future in a bleak darkness.   
Darcy stared blankly at the ceiling. When had he fallen so far? It had only been a few days again that he had walked with her and believed himself still in the midst of making the decision. Now, however, he unconsciously considered it a foregone conclusion that he would marry her. Vicious temper and all.  
Just then his cousin James Fitzwilliam strode into the room with a grim expression. His movement stopped a few feet away from Darcy and he crossed his arms. After a moment of silence in which Darcy tried to ignore him, James demanded. “Well, what explanation can you offer for your behavior?”  
“My behavior? What can you mean?” Darcy stood up with an indignant air and poured himself a glass of port from the side table. “It was Miss Elizabeth who lost her temper! Besides, even had I any words to regret I still would not have to answer to you.”  
“I am your family! And your friend so you bloody well will give me an explanation!” James took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “I’m sorry Darcy, but I just don’t understand! I thought you liked Miss Elizabeth. I actually thought you might… well, that you might harbor deeper feelings for her. I knew nothing could come of it, but you always seemed to be staring at her. Your interest was so marked from my perspective that I wondered at Miss Elizabeth’s apparent dislike for you. But I am confused no longer! Your words to her - your attitude, please tell me this is not how you behave behind my back!”  
Darcy was stunned. James felt that he was in the wrong? And wait- what? What did he say? Elizabeth’s apparent dislike? What could he mean?  
“Cousin, please! She was only angry. And if I misjudged her sister so severely I can see why, but she will calm down by tomorrow. Can you not see how she teases and provokes me into conversation with her? No, she is not only expecting but eager for my proposal.”   
“Your proposal?” James exclaimed in apparent shock.  
“Yes, I have been for some time considering it but can no longer restrain my desire for her to be my wife. You were correct in your observations. I cannot deny my attraction to her and though everything I said about her family is true, I can no longer imagine any other woman in the role as my wife. That she has no dowry and poor connections will not affect me so much as her lively, kind spirit will. Yes, separated from her family she will make an excellent mistress of Pemberley.”  
To Darcy’s great indignation, as soon as he finished this speech Fitzwilliam burst into laughter.   
“Darcy! You cannot be serious!” With a shake of his head his chuckles died, and he strolled to the side board for his own glass of port.   
“Perfectly serious!” Darcy was starting to get angry. “I have every intention of proposing to her before we leave Kent.”  
“That’s in two days! Darcy, you cannot be so oblivious! She dislikes you!”  
The words felt like knives in Darcy’s chest, but he tried to shrug it off. “You don’t know that.”  
“I do! I am her friend; I talk to her! Can’t you see that every interaction she has had with you has been tense and confrontational?”  
“She only seeks to be provocative. Our disagreements are always teasing.”  
“No, she uses her sense of humor as a shield against your scorn.”   
“Scorn? I do not scorn her! How can you say that?”  
“She thinks you do! She said that you have always disliked her. She told me that you called her ‘not handsome enough to tempt you’. And that you stare at her disapprovingly. I of course know better; your glances are not the least bit negative. But with such an introduction I am not surprised that is how she interpreted your looks. Good God, Darcy! You have botched this up! If you have such feelings for her, you have a long way to go before revealing them to her! if you tried anything now she’d probably slap you!”  
Darcy was a decisive and confident man, but he sincerely valued his cousin’s advice. At this moment James Fitzwilliam looked angry and sincere. It gave Darcy pause and he was quiet for a minute, thinking back over several of Elizabeth’s and his interactions. His memories looked different now with James’ words ringing in his ears. He remembered some of his words to her and winced. He had been so caught up in his own feelings, struggles, and thoughts he had never actually questioned if she had liked him.   
Still, it could not be as bad as James claims, Darcy thought.   
However, James soon convinced him that it was indeed nearly as bad as could possibly be. Elizabeth cared nothing for Darcy’s social status and had been legitimately offended by his manners on more than one occasion. Darcy had never thought about his manners overmuch. He was accepted into the finest circles by his name alone, even there he could act nearly however he wished and still be desired as a match. He knew that it wasn’t only his money and social standing, he was tall, handsome, decent and almost completely independent of other people. All these things made him very attractive to men as a friend and women as a husband..   
But as Darcy considered his manners toward Elizabeth, he had to admit to finding them lacking. In fact, after another glass of port and his cousins’ removal to bed Darcy could not stop his mind from going over and over every interaction he’d ever had with Elizabeth. Each memory impressed him again with her charming manners, delightful spirit and sensual beauty yet when he tried to think of what he had actually said to her he could remember very little. Indeed, the more he searched his memories for his side of the conversations the more he realized how little he had truly conversed with her. Most of his knowledge and love came from observation and -to be painfully honest- eavesdropping on her conversations with others.   
Watching her interaction with her family and friends had seemed to him a treatise on impeccable breeding and character. He had fallen in love with her as he watched her kindness to everyone in her circle. He had delighted in her laughs and triumphed in her conversational victories but with a sudden wave of self-awareness he realized that these experiences were completely one-sided. He had not actually shared in those triumphs; her laughter was not his reward and never had her eyes shone with the welcome he had oft seen there for others. He had learned of her good character but what did she know of his?  
This question brought him up short. What did Elizabeth know of him? He tried to remember himself telling her anything about himself. He couldn’t. He knew that she knew of his wealth, her mother had seen to that. Caroline Bingley had told her of his estate, and his sister. Darcy grimaced, neither subject would be thought well of by Elizabeth because of the person who presented them to her.   
Miss Bingley and Elizabeth had quite obviously despised each other. And Darcy was chagrined to realize that the larger portion of his and Elizabeth’s time together was in company with that woman. In fact, there had been more conversation between the two rival women than between him and Elizabeth.  
‘Rival’ Darcy pondered the adjective. He had always considered them as that and had rather enjoyed their sparing. Without much thought he had always supposed them competing for his attention. But while he maintained this of Miss Bingley, he was forced to consider that perhaps Elizabeth had been merely defending herself against the other woman’s conversational barbs without a single thought towards him. This idea caused him some mortification, for he saw the casual arrogance in the assumption that her actions were for his amusement and not her own interests.  
Darcy acknowledged to himself the absurdity of his mind set at that time with a heavy heart. So what did she know of his personality then? He remembered a time Elizabeth and he had conversed about his character.   
“…it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule."   
"Such as vanity and pride."   
"Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride—where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation."   
Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile.   
"Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume," said Miss Bingley; "and pray what is the result? I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise."   
"No," said Darcy, "I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding—certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever." *  
Dear Lord, had he truly said that? He saw with new understanding that Elizabeth’s comment about vanity and pride had not been -as he had supposed- a tease, but rather a genuine challenge toward a more moral behavior. Her smile had showed her be amused rather than impressed at his absurdity. And then had come Miss Bingley’s simpering... how Elizabeth must have mocked them both with the privacy of her mind.   
These many other memories and realization came to Darcy and with this background he reheard her recent words to him with a sinking heart. She had call him cruel and unfeeling, selfish and conceited. And now he knew that not only were those her true thoughts but possibly true reflections of his actions. He had never before been more ashamed of himself.  
Fitzwilliam Darcy did not go to bed until he saw dawn's first light begin to touch the sky. By then his mind was so fuzzy with drink and despair that he could make no clear plan for any future actions other than to find his bed. Yet despite all his painful realizations the last thought he had before he slipped into unconsciousness was of Elizabeth. In spite of everything, he loved her.

*Jane Austen pt. 1, ch 11


End file.
